Hello and welcome,
I just processed 106 beerbriefjes, and my mind feels like soup. This is the perfect state to write a Redakkie article. So here is my top 10 items from the Albert Heijn. This list is objectively correct, and if you disagree you are wrong.
10. Ravioli
I’ll be honest, I got stuck at 9 and asked Ima what her favorite thing to buy at the Albert Heijn was. I did agree with her that ravioli is very good, so I did put it on the list. In contrast with SBeef who is cringe and said “Food?”. I just like food that it a little carb package, it’s comprehensible. It’s nice
9. Italiaanse bol
I don’t know what they put in these things but it’s like crack to me. We used to have these at school with mozzarella, tomato and pesto and that was the shit. Sometimes I buy these and don’t even put anything on them, just eat them raw like a caveperson, put them in my mouth and shake my head like a dog with a toy. 10/10 bread variation.
8. Stokbrood (Baguette)
I know the English word is just Baguette but that feels pretentious as hell so I’m just going to say stokbrood. Stokbrood had to get a spot because of the sheer amounts of stokbrood with hummus I’ve been consuming at KB. I always get it for board-breakfast, and usually if I’m here, so I eat like 5 stokbroden a week now. I almost seem French, gross.
7. Trostomaat
Tomatoes are the best vegetable. and Trostomaat is the best tomato, the only reason it’s this far down the list is that deep down all vegetables taste like sad. Trostomaat is good tho, it’s not as expensive as the small ones but still has flavour. If you use vleestomaten I am going to your house and paint it red like a tomato, with your blood.
6. Vegetarian Bapao
Specifically the one from the Vegetarische Slager, I’ve had other ones but they aren’t as good. You’re telling me I can have a nice warm lunch for 1,19 in one minute? Are you shitting me? And it’s a little carb package? I don’t know who thought of this but I will give them my firstborn child so that they can bake them into a bapao.
5. Lemongrass
If you don’t have lemongrass in your spice cabinet you are missing out. This shit fucks. Throw it in your curry, throw it in your vagina. Let your tastebuds be happy about a spice that’s fresh and sour and nice. I want to inject this stuff into my veins.
4. Chipitos
This is a controversial statement, but Chipitos are the best. I think I like the taste of chemical cheese more than actual cheese. The thing about Chipitos that makes them amazing is that they actually get tastier as they get stale. 4 week old Lays is disgusting, 4 week old Chipitos is better than regular Chipitos. I want things to taste like cheese that doesn’t taste like cheese.
3. Can of chickpeas
Can of chickpeas is my best friend. I have 4 in my house at all times. They’re great as a quick easy meat substitute, they’re canned so they never go bad, they will heal my soul when therapy never could. If you want a quick warm snack or dinner (if your standard for what is dinner is as low as mine): Just strain these bad boys, throw them in a pan with whatever spices you feel like in some oil and badabing badaboom you have tasty nibbles.
2. Butter
Butter is the reason I can never go vegan, I wish I could, but butter. If your cooking is ever sad and tasteless, throw some butter in there. It improves (almost) everything. You can put it in curry (traditionally they use Ghee but that’s hard to find and expensive), you can put it in most sauces, you can cook your mushrooms in it, you can put it in your risotto, the list goes on. This doesn’t even mention having a nice salty butter with nice bread. This shit is fantastic.
(Also vote for me in the Sauce-off 19 December where I will prove once and for all that Nino is a little bitchboy)
1. Parathas
Most of you will probably not know what Parathas are, which I will fix right now. Parathas are frozen savoury pancakes from India that you can buy at most supermarkets, which you can throw straight from your freezer into a pan, and within 5 minutes you have these amazing flaky, crunchy, tasty little pancakes. I usually eat them with Dahl or curry, as they are great for scooping (you can substitute naan with them), but I also use them as better tortillas. Sometimes I eat them just with herby butter. You store them in the freezer so they never get stale, so you can just buy 5 packs and chuck them in there. It’s great.